This interview is part of a week-long series with Karl Subban, one of Canada’s most well-known hockey Dads. Karl and his wife Maria are the parents of 5 children, including 3 sons, P.K., Malcolm and Jordan who all play professional hockey. Karl is a retired school principal, author, speaker, and father.
This interview is abbreviated.
The style of parenting I subscribe to comes from my years working with young people and their parents. I always said I worked with children in three worlds:
Parenting.
Teaching.
Coaching.
What I have come to realize is that parents come to us in three groups. So do their children. We have what you call:
Autopilot parents & kids – These kids are not getting a lot of supervision from Mom and Dad. It’s like they are not there. It’s like these kids are flying themselves, they are like on autopilot just like a plane is.
Designer Parents or Helicopter Parents – They just never get out of the way. They never get out of the way as they always hover around. They shield their kids from basically most of the things that children need to develop to fulfill their potential.
Lifeguard parents or kids – These are parents that work with their children, teach them how to swim and then they get out of the way. If the kids get out of trouble they’re there, they are there to help them, but they are not there leading them. Kids I say are like a bird, a bird only learns to fly when they leave the nest. Lifeguard parents let their children leave the nest.
The lifeguard parents mindset is this:
I am clearing the way for my children.
I am paving the way for my children.
I am getting out of the way.
Clearing the way, paving the way and then getting out of the way. That is what a lifeguard parent does. They are not out of the way entirely they are close by when their children start to struggle.
This idea came from my years of working with parents and young people. Then coming up with these groups and what I have experience with them and what I have seen.
When it comes to youth sports, there needs to be a balance. Designer parents want to design their kid’s way to the top, they want to design their way to the NHL.
When you look at parenting, you need to be there for your children. Especially in those formative years, you need to be there for them. And time with them is so important, you have to give them your love and emotional support because they need those things.
Kids need their parents, but they need them to be lifeguard parents, not designer parents. You have to set boundaries for them and find a way to gather resources for them to help them achieve their potential. But as they get older, you need to get out of the way.
Clear the way, pave the way and then get out of the way.
Tuesday: We chat with Karl Subban about his son P.K Subban and what P.K taught him about parenting.